duh, I know

hear it in the stairwell: Dishwalla
A few weeks ago, maybe on a Wednesday night, Rob spoke a little on how our walks with God are often like a balancing act. When he first brought the concept up I sort of dismissed it because I'm not sure I grasped all he was saying. But since that evening everything in my life has been pointing me back to that. It amazes me that right now in my life for every one of the "good" things I have going on or every blessing that comes my way, there's a negative attitude or situation that arises in opposition. It really has become so crazy for me to try to balance them. I mean on one hand I have all of these crazyawesome things to be thankful for like my #1 roommates, or my small group, my wonderful dog, a car that runs, friendships like Christines, good health, finally being in nursing school...so much God is giving me that I haven't earned. And for all of these things I get so optimistic and my growth in God is now running and I say "yea God" and point to Him. And then the days come when I find out my coolest friend Christa had a miscarriage and my heart breaks for her, and I fight with my mom about anything and everything and I wonder if we'll ever find common ground, or I get let down by a good friend and I don't know if anyone is worth trusting and I can't find a job I'm satisfied with. Yeah, these days do just hightlight to me that this world is not my home but it doesn't make them any less discouraging or easily processed.
And so I've spent the last week or so taking this all in- sort of surveying my life in a snapshot of now. I've assessed all the positives and left smiling and laughing. And then my mind flips through all the heartache and the confusion and the loneliness and I cry and say "God, where are you??" expecting Him to give me yet another blessing or miracle that I don't deserve just to renew my trust that He IS in control. And the balancing act continues and my thoughts, emotions, words, actions and my heart all teeter along with it-back and forth.
And then came today. And although I wanted to take Levi to go see the frozen falls this afternoon and enjoy some frigid outside time, I didn't. My balance was on a down swing and I felt like crap; a combination of sleep deprivation and a bad attitude on life kept me home asleep for about 5 hours this afternoon. And when I woke up I just laid on my bed with my eyes open. I kept hearing my dad's famous words "you choose your attitude." And then my floating lightbulb came on. I don't just choose my attitude, I choose what I put my focus on and I have been so off for so long now. Who cares about my balance. Who cares whether my life is up or down or somewhere inbetween. My focus can't be on any of those things or I will continue to spend hours in bed to escape the confusion of the unreliable, unsettled life I've been living. I seriously just realized that my focus has to be completely on God. Yeah, duh, I know. I've realized this before in specific situation...say dating for example. Before I will be ready to find "Mr. Right" my focus must be completely on God because I must be completely satisfied with Him...I know that. But this is like that to the 100th power. In EVERY instance, every thought, every situation, every relationship, every risk, my focus must be on Him and not how I feel about it or even what the outcome is.
I feel like it's a new bike or something. I can't wait to encounter my week and put my newfound focus to the test! Yea, I'm sure my knees will still get scraped up and I might use training wheels for a while but what an awesome freedom...focusing always on The Rock who never changes rather than my world that doesn't promise anything! Gah, God is so good!


Kristi and me celebrating 2004. Crazyfun MEANwhile girls:)