tidal

stairwell accompaniment:Coldplay X&Y

Seeing myself far and wide. Alone and becoming strong. These days seem to be showing me so much more than I anticipate. More than I imagine I can handle. I am discovering and becoming even in the moments I try hard to stay the same.

I've found that accepting who I am and allowing myself to be can become much more complicated when I am desiring to grow in a relationship with another. Compromise is where I am lacking. Fitting all my unlovely, unkempt, blundering parts into a puzzle with him is a challenge of the most ambitious variety. Most days we run through the sprinklers and laugh in the face of our differences--when life is joyous as this! And now we seem to be facing these days when I want what I want what I want what I want. And I can see his unlovely tendancies and am faced with the frightening trasparency of my own. Often selfish, often closed, often sarcastic, often painfully ourselves. I sigh and wonder when the decision making will begin.

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities. -C. S. Lewis

I've been sick this weekend (S- thanks for your get well wishes). Sickness is rare for me. Every job I've had since the age of 18 has involved close contact with kids, old people or anyone else in the general (germ infested) public. My immune system is unyielding. Until this weekend. I feel horrible. And apparently, unlike most sickly Americans, I don't deal well with fevers, sore throats and the general feeling of malaise. I slept 24 of the last 48 hours and could go back to bed now.

Two months since my last venture and I'm desiring to travel with the deep longing that removes any sense of comfort from home. Save up for England? Use my weekends to visit midwest friends?

I relate SO closely with Cat's recent post on the tidal rush of memories and emotions that dance hand-in-hand with favorite songs. In fact, my next post will contain my associations...

I have a niece to welcome into the world. In. Just. Days.

I want health and healing and holding close. I want treasures. I want similar souls. I want passionate yesses. I want to be blown away. I want to trust. I want calm gladness and prayers and deep talks. True breaths.